Secure with your manhood?

Harrison enjoyed a little dress up time with the girls. He was quite the ham.

Be still and know that I am God

No I am not God, but God is!
God has certainly been at work in my life. Which is a good thing. However it is a little hard to really be still before him. I am really trying to listen to him about what is next.
I have been pondering the idea of going back to school. I am thinking this would be as good of time as any! My hang up at the moment is fear of course. I don't particularly love school. I was not bad at it, just didn't love it. Tests scare me and of course I will have to take the GRE before I can even apply to school. Aggrrrhhh!
I have been enjoying life so far at home. It is weird, but good. I don't feel so rushed anymore. I feel like I have time to enjoy the kids, not just keep them occupied while I clean and go to the grocery store. Julia and I have definitely done better together. I think she is really glad I am home.
I am struggling with some anger issues from work and also some identity crisis.
I am having difficulty identifying myself as just mom and wife. I know those are big important jobs, but I am used to also being a social worker. (see blog title and my space name)
But I am not feeling the overwhelming desire to run to be social worker again. I am wanting to really find God's desire for my life.

Mom no longer social worker

It has been a really tough day. In my last post I stated that I would be ok to walk away from my job...Well I wanted to be able to walk away by my choice. Today I was told to pack my desk and go home. The hospital has been really struggling. Today was a sad day for many people who have given a lot of years to the hospital. I don't know the total number that were laid off, but I think it was at least 20-30. I don't know how to feel. I have been there for 10 years. I liked what I did. I was good at what I did. The people were my family. I can't imagine not being there.
After crying uncontrollably for a couple of hours, I was able to compose myself (somewhat) and focus on the bigger picture of life - God.
God is good. He is in control. He has been working on my heart the last couple of days. I think that was in preparation for today.
I am really trying to focus on God right now. I am trying to really learn and believe that God is all I need that he truly will satisfy my deepest needs. I don't need anything else...The other stuff in life is all a bonus.
I am trying to rest in Him and find peace.
Please continue to pray for us. We obviously have some huge changes facing us.
I want to be open and willing to go and do whatever He is calling us to.

Rambles of my life right now

I realized I hadn't posted in a few weeks so I decided to just ramble.
Life is interesting right now. Lots of uncertainty and craziness, but ultimately I am learning a lot about me and the fact that God is in control not me.
I was telling my mom yesterday that I have discovered that I am a control freak. I am really trying to work on this. It is hard. So I hope people will bear with me while I am restructuring.

Paul is working, which is a good thing, but he is working a lot. We don't see each other much. This has been hard for me. I got used to having him around all the time. It has been hard to readjust to taking care of the kids by myself. Bigger than that it has been hard on our marriage. We have been fortunate that Paul's parents have taken the kids for us a couple of Sundays so we could have date night. We don't know what the future holds with this job, but if his future is not there it has at least been a blessing in the mean time.

My job stuff is uncertain again. The hospital is anticipating at least 30-90 layoffs by July 1. I don't know what that means. It is tough around here. It is making it a frustrating place to work. I am at a point with my job that I would be ok to walk away. I have not felt that way up to this point. That makes me sad.

Our small group moved from our house to another couples place. A big area where I am having to let go. I am in my comfort zone at my house. The girls are currently going through a book on sexual and emotional integrity. Man, it is good. But hard. I am really seeing a lot about me. I am looking at things in a whole new way for the first time. There is so much that I need to work on in my life it is scary. I am trying to look at it positively and deal with one at a time. Normally I would just give up because the list is too long. It is nice to have people in your life that care and hold you accountable.

I am still trying to work out. I haven't been able to go as much as I want to. I am not seeing the results I want because I have this little eating problem. This all goes into some of my issues that I need to work on.

Ok, in the midst of all my issues that God is trying to address with me. I am doing pretty good. We got our house painted, a new deck that will hopefully be stained this week, and my kitchen floor fixed. These are all huge deals to us. We have never been able to do anything to our house. It is funny how doing these home improvements has made me feel like a big person getting to do big people things. I was talking to someone today that for some reason I have this definition that being a "big person" or grown up means that you have money. Only big people get to do home improvements, or go on vacations. So I must not be a big person yet. Crazy I know, but somehow I have correlated this. The fact that I have been married 12 years and have two kids and have past 30 doesn't make me an adult.

Speaking of that, our anniversary is in 12 days. I am so grateful for Paul. I love him more and more every day.

God is faithful and he is sovereign. He is in control. I have to try to find peace and rest in this daily.

Mother's Day - Ode to my mother

Isn't this the most beautiful woman in the world? I think she is. My mother is the greatest mother I know. Not just because she gave birth to me. She is more than that. She is the most giving, caring, wonderful, self-sacrificing, and courageous person in the world. If you know my mother then you know how big her heart is. She continues to give love in extraordinary ways without ever expecting in return.
I love my mom. We have always been close. She has taught me so much about how to love and give to others. We have a neat relationship. We talk almost everyday on the phone. When we are together we can make a hug last forever. She is so precious.
I am so grateful that God chose her to be my mother. Mom, I love you. Thanks for being YOU!

Warning...Thoughts from my brain!

I don't normally post real serious stuff. I work a serious job and try to leave it at work. I would love to be able to talk about all the unbelievable things I see at work, but due to HIPPA laws I can't. So, anyway...Today I got a post card in the mail from the mayor's office of children and youth/Tennessee Voices for Children. It is an advertisement to become involved with their program and to celebrate National Children's Mental Health Awareness Day on May 8th.
As I read it I became deeply disturbed and not quite sure what to think about it.
The closing paragraph stated the following:

"If you have a child in Tennessee, your child may be at risk. If you are a parent or a community leader, you should be concerned. One out of every 10 children (125,000 in Tennessee) has a serious emotional disturbance, and 1 out of every 5 has a mental health problem."

WHAT???
I have a really hard time swallowing these statistics. My question is what is behind these large numbers? I know that not that many children are born with mental health problems, and my goodness "Serious emotional disturbances!"
I tend to look at things from the lenses of what I experience at work and my opinion is going to blame parents/home situation/schools/day care and lastly perinatal drug use. (I throw the drug use one in there - because it is amazing how many people use drugs while they are pregnant. I do not believe that it is no big deal...Many of the babies I see do not come out with birth defects therefore their mothers don't believe the drugs have harmed their child. I believe the effects we see are behavioral. I feel that is why we see a huge number of children in elementary school with ADD, ADHD and I love the new fad that everyone is bi-polar)

I feel like for my children, we have the parents/home situation and drug use under control, but the school situation is heavy on my mind. With Julia headed to school in about a year I panic. We have no idea what to do with her and school. We do not want to send her to public school, we can't afford private/Christian school and I don't know if we would survive homeschooling. God is going to have to give me divine guidance with this one.

I shutter to think about the future of our world with this many mentally disturbed people running around as adults.

Monkey Boy

The kids and I went to Atlanta for the weekend for my Papa's 98th birthday. We had a wonderful weekend. On Monday my mom and I took the kids to the zoo. It was great. I love this picture of Harrison. He immediately ran up to this monkey statue and hugged her. He is a bull in a china shop (as my mom put it) but he also is such a lovey boy. He has such a sweet spirit.
Julia had fun despite the fact that she had skinned her knees the day before and had informed us that she would no longer be able to walk due to her horrid flesh wound. She is so dramatic! I had a great time with my parents. They are the best!

Happy Easter

Here are some Easter Pics. What a great looking family! We even make pond scum look good. The kids had a great time hunting eggs at their Gram's house. The picture at the bottom is the kids with friends from church. That is rare footage of them hugging and not hitting each other. They do have moments when they are sweet to each other. Hope everyone had a great Easter.


 

Duck, Duck, Goose!

Today was beautiful...the first taste of spring. I am so ready! I took Harrison and Julia to feed the Geese and a few ducks. Harrison was beside himself he was so excited. He got the hang of thowing one, eating one. At one point he got up on the picnic table to be able to eat his bread in peace (he does the same at home with the dog). He was enjoying the scenery when a goose snuck up beside him and ate his bread out of his hand (2nd picture). He laughed. After that he would try to get them to bite his hand thinking it was really funny.


 

my baby boy is gone

Harrison finally got a hair cut. He had such beautiful curls. I am somewhat sad, because he has lost his little baby look...he now looks like a big boy. He keeps touching it like he knows it is different. He sat still pretty well for the cutting. I had to keep feeding him in his highchair. It is not the best cut in the world, but I didn't go to beauty school either.
 

I love my family

Here are a few pictures from the other day. Julia got a new dress for her pictures at school and Easter. She was so excited she came home and put it on and insisted we take pictures. I love these pictures with Paul. I don't have that many with him and the kids. I love how the he loves on the kids and they love on him. Times when I can watch them playing around are so special to me. It makes life all seem perfect at those moments. Nothing could be better. I love being with my family.

 

Yoda classes and flossing - what next?

Paul and I joined the YMCA about 3 weeks ago. I have actually really gotten into it.
I have been trying to work out at least 4-5 days a week. It is a lot of fun....
Yes, I never thought I would hear myself say that. On Monday's I have been attending a Yoga class. Julia calls it my Yoda class- I pray that I don't end up looking like Yoda at the end. Other than that I have been doing cardio and weight machines. I plan to be buff by summer- we shall see! The Y has free child care - that's a plus. I think what I like about working out so much is that it is ME time. It has been a long time since I did anything for myself, and BY MYSELF!!!
It has been great to say the least... As far as my buffness - well, I've got a long way to go.... So far I have gained 5 lbs., but I suppose it is muscle mass. (I hope)

With Paul gone a lot now, I am getting more done around the house. Today I had to get a new vacuum cleaner after the other one died last night. I don't know how I ever lived without this new one with all the bells and whistles - most importantly it is self propelled!

Julia started swim lessons. Today she did great. She actually went under - big accomplishment for someone who doesn't like her face wet - Grandma can relate! She desperately wants to take ballet class, but we told her she has to finish swim lessons first.

Life seems to be good at them moment. I feel good, starting to look good, and I actually flossed my teeth tonight!!!

I blew it!

I had a really rotten day today. Work was terrible. I sat in traffic for an hour and a half in the pouring down rain. I got home and blew it with my family. Paul went to work.
I blew it with the kids again.
I am sorry to my husband and my children.
I reacted poorly to everything tonight.
I managed to get the children in bed without killing them...That is a plus!
Then I took a long hot bath and read - yes, you heard right...I can read.

I am in the middle of Waking the Dead by John Eldridge.
It is exactly what I needed to read. The book is a lot about freeing your heart and really learning to experience God. He talks a lot about spiritual warfare and realizing that we are in a constant battle for our heart. The enemy wants nothing more than to destroy our heart. Our heart of course is at the middle of everything. Without it we are hopeless and doomed.
Satan did a number on me today and I was losing the battle for my heart.
But God rescued me once again and reminded me that my heart belongs only to HIM!
I pray that it doesn't take me as long to realize next time. I know that Satan wants to destroy me, and my family. He does not want to see us happy and loving to our children.
So he will continue to whisper lies and send me tough stuff during the day.

Lord, please protect my heart and my family. We are doing what we think is right for our children. Give me patience and endurance. Give Paul and I strength and some time together.

If anyone out there reads this blog...Please pray for us.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Here are a few pictures from our snow this past weekend. The kids enjoyed their first real snow experience. Harrison loved eating the snow and Julia made snow angels.

 

The King and the Princess

Here is Harrison on his throne - doing what he does best...eating.
While Julia is wearing her crown jewels mopping the floor.

Four Miracles!

My friend Shari came to visit this week from California. It is the first time we got to meet each others 2nd child (the ones in the middle of the picture) It is amazing to me to look at this picture. We both had pregnancy losses and struggled with wanting children and here are four gifts from God. It was great to have them all together. It seems like just yesterday Braeden and Julia were little babies. Now look how big they are. Time goes too fast. We had a great visit.

The many faces of Dora

We have way too many Doras in our house!
A week ago Julia and I decided to gather up the Doras and have a Fiesta. These were only the ones we could find. It doesn't include the Dora house, sheets, blanket, clothes, bags, plates, silverware, underwear, sprinkler, hats, fruit snacks, toothpaste, the ones embedded into the ceiling....etc, etc. They are making a killing off her face! Stick a Dora on it and kids want it and we buy it. Some day we will have one killer Dora garage sale. By then no one will like her and we will be throwing it away!
Please no more Doras this year!

Mommy-Daughter Day!

On Monday Paul and Harrison went to his dad's house to watch Football.....So Julia and I actually had a day together - ALL By OURSELVES!!!!
We photo documented our day...here are a couple of pictures. We decided to go to a movie on our day. We went and saw Chicken Little. Julia said she liked it, but I think she was a bit bored with it. Here she is with her popcorn just after spilling it on the floor because the seat flipped her up when she sat down. So she sat on my lap the whole movie eating her popcorn, m&m's and sprite. I think that is what she likes best about movies. After the movie we went to Michaels to pick out a craft for her to do. She picked a "make your own goldenbook - Dora theme." I drug her through a linen store that was closing. By this time she was getting crabby so we picked up lunch and went home. After lunch we crashed on the bed and took a nap. It was a fun day with my baby. She is so sweet right now. I need to do more individual time with her. I don't even remember the last time she had alone time with me. It was nice.

Coconut Cake

This is my very first totally from scratch cake.
It was a lot of work, but it was beautiful. I did bake it a little too long (according to directions) so it was a bit dry - but the icing was fabulous!

Happy New Year to me!

Since Paul was complaining that I have not posted....I will post now at 12:50 AM on January 1st. Our company just left and I finished cleaning up the kitchen. I am a bit tired....
We had a good time tonight. Friends from Small group and friends from the past came over to eat and play games.
Another year goes by.....
Time is going so quickly now. My kids are growing faster every day. The last year was a challenging one, but a good one. Harrison has grown into a little boy this year. Going from 4 months old to 16 months old. He is so wonderful. Julia is almost four and has gone from rotten earlier in the year to the sweetest thing ever. She is so thoughtful of other people right now. She wants to snuggle and says she loves me all the time. It is a nice new phase!
Paul and I have had lots of together time. It has been 10 months since Paul quit TCC. It has been a journey to say the least. God has been so good to us. I have learned a lot this year. It is hard with him out of work- financially and just the fact that he is home all the time, but on the other hand I love having him here. Paul has also grown this year spiritually and emotionally. We have grown together. Our marriage is better than it has ever been. I love him so much. I know that we made the right decision when he left TCC. I know he has us in his hands. I pray that this next year we will be open to what God has in store. I think this past year has been preparing us for our future. I don't know what is out there...but I am ready.