I realized I hadn't posted in a few weeks so I decided to just ramble.
Life is interesting right now. Lots of uncertainty and craziness, but ultimately I am learning a lot about me and the fact that God is in control not me.
I was telling my mom yesterday that I have discovered that I am a control freak. I am really trying to work on this. It is hard. So I hope people will bear with me while I am restructuring.
Paul is working, which is a good thing, but he is working a lot. We don't see each other much. This has been hard for me. I got used to having him around all the time. It has been hard to readjust to taking care of the kids by myself. Bigger than that it has been hard on our marriage. We have been fortunate that Paul's parents have taken the kids for us a couple of Sundays so we could have date night. We don't know what the future holds with this job, but if his future is not there it has at least been a blessing in the mean time.
My job stuff is uncertain again. The hospital is anticipating at least 30-90 layoffs by July 1. I don't know what that means. It is tough around here. It is making it a frustrating place to work. I am at a point with my job that I would be ok to walk away. I have not felt that way up to this point. That makes me sad.
Our small group moved from our house to another couples place. A big area where I am having to let go. I am in my comfort zone at my house. The girls are currently going through a book on sexual and emotional integrity. Man, it is good. But hard. I am really seeing a lot about me. I am looking at things in a whole new way for the first time. There is so much that I need to work on in my life it is scary. I am trying to look at it positively and deal with one at a time. Normally I would just give up because the list is too long. It is nice to have people in your life that care and hold you accountable.
I am still trying to work out. I haven't been able to go as much as I want to. I am not seeing the results I want because I have this little eating problem. This all goes into some of my issues that I need to work on.
Ok, in the midst of all my issues that God is trying to address with me. I am doing pretty good. We got our house painted, a new deck that will hopefully be stained this week, and my kitchen floor fixed. These are all huge deals to us. We have never been able to do anything to our house. It is funny how doing these home improvements has made me feel like a big person getting to do big people things. I was talking to someone today that for some reason I have this definition that being a "big person" or grown up means that you have money. Only big people get to do home improvements, or go on vacations. So I must not be a big person yet. Crazy I know, but somehow I have correlated this. The fact that I have been married 12 years and have two kids and have past 30 doesn't make me an adult.
Speaking of that, our anniversary is in 12 days. I am so grateful for Paul. I love him more and more every day.
God is faithful and he is sovereign. He is in control. I have to try to find peace and rest in this daily.