Monday, March 12, 2007

The Life I Always Wanted

It has been a long time since I posted. I have thought about it, just didn't have anything to say I guess. I have been journaling in about 3 different journals at home. I am currently reading 3 different books and trying to keep a different journal for each. I don't know how well that is going to work. Oh well.
Our small group is currently reading John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted." It is really good. I discovered a lot about myself in the first chapter. I learned that the root of a lot of my issues stems from disappointment. I am pretty much always disappointed in myself. It is a vicious cycle for me. I feel like a constant failure in many areas of my life. I sin, feel disappointed, then sin again to help ease the feeling of disappointment and back again.
I want to learn to really live in God's grace. To really experience and accept his love in my life. I want to live like I really believe that He is enough. I think that disappointment really stems from trying to rely on myself, others or things to make me happy. I expect my family, my friends, my physical self, my stuff, to give me satisfaction and be enough to make me happy.
That is not enough. God expects us to need him. We need him to help fill the satisfaction, to overcome our disappointments, to bring us happiness.
I know that. I can speak it to others, I can for moments believe it. But I want to live it everyday. I want to live every hour of the day like God is enough. If everything around me was taken away, that I would be content to live in that moment with God. That is the life I want.

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