Friday, September 22, 2006

Refining Fire

My small group is currently doing John and Stasi Eldridge's book Captivating.
It has been really good.
God has been slicing open parts of my heart to expose to me areas that I need refining.
It is painful. I don't like to be imperfect.
I like to think of myself as a well put together, organized person that is perfect in every way.
That is a load of crap!
I am not put together, and far from perfect.
I hide behind being controlling and organized so people won't see the true me.
The me that often feels empty, lonely and like a failure.
I run to things that "indulge" me to make me feel better. Food being the main one.
I try to control my husband and children, which only makes them and me feel miserable.
All of this because ultimately I fear failure, rejection and emotional abandonment.
So now that I have been totally vulnerable and exposed all of you to the real me....
it is to say that God is changing me.
He is allowing me to work on it and become free from the crap that I have been living in for so long. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to control anymore.
I want to live in true freedom.
It will be a long process I am sure. I don't know how to even start.
However. I feel that letting you all in on it will be a good start.
I am sure the people close to me already knew these things - they have just been too nice to point them out to me.
I am truly sorry for any hurt or pain I have caused someone else due to my controlling spirit.
I need lots of prayers with this....It is hard to undo 31 years of habit.


Anonymous said...

humbleness will bring you great wisdom, love ya girl :)

ilovekittiecats said...

I have been wanting to start over with that is sitting on my bedside table....