finally feeling normal

You will all be happy to know that I feel like I am back among the sain again. Man, I had a rough week. I guess it was hormonal. I don't like feeling that way. I really didn't like myself or those around me! I pray that I will at least have a normal three weeks before starting this all again! Paul will probably move out that week. The kids may too.
I have actually accomplished a few things today. Julia is back at school - praise the Lord. It sure is quiet around here when she is gone. I got a couple of closets cleaned out and the kids dresser. I can't take a nap because my sheets are in the wash. So, I will just enjoy myself on the computer for a few moments.

blahhhh

I am feeling so blahh today. I wish I could just snap out of it. I feel incredibly aggitated and down. I would just like to go have a good cry and get it over, but then again I don't.
These are times when I miss my "mommy." I miss not having responsibility and having someone take care of me 24/7. It is really hard to care for my family when I feel like this.

will things ever change?

Lord,
Please change me.
Please change my heart and my mind.
Sometimes I get so discouraged because things never change.
We battle the same things over and over.
Will we never get it right?
Will we never conquer our sin?
Help me to press forward and run my race.

crabby crampy me

I was thinking about this on my way home yesterday...
When Adam and Eve sinned - Eve's punishment was to have painful childbirth.
I am curious....
How would childbirth been different? If it was a pain free process would childbirth have been different? I don't understand how it would not have been painful. Would the baby still have come out the same way?
I'm glad God had Mercy on us and decided to let us invent epidurals so that some of us who had ten pound babies would not have to experience the pain.
I guess my punishment was having to endure the pain carrying the ten pound baby for 9 months!

my cuties

Harrison's Birthday!

Harrison had a great Birthday.
He loved the cake as you can see. He wasn't getting it in fast enough so he decided just to stick his face in it.
He is so sweet and I am so glad he is in our life!
I can't believe it has already been a year. The time has flown by.

fun, tired day

Today I have been having pre-school at my house. Bryce and Rece are here for the day while Liesl is watching Shane's baby be born. Welcome Isaiah!
Anyway,
It has been fun to do play time, snack time, craft time, story time, lunch time and now we are onto TV time! They are all in a big bed on the floor watching Star Wars (this is nap time) All these activities in a 3 hour period.
I enjoy being silly with them and making them laugh.
However, I am now pooped!
I admire teachers - I don't have the energy.

Now I need to get ready for the 35 people coming to my house Friday night!

Harrison

Can I just say...I love my boy!
For those of you who knew how devestated I was when I found out I was having a boy - I am now glad. He is so sweet and lovie. Harrison and I just got back from Aldis - shopping for his birthday party on Friday. I cannot believe he will be one. The time has flown by.
Update on sleeping - he is now going down on his own. He will fuss for about 30 seconds then goes to sleep on his own. We have had several nights were he has slept 11 hours. Needless to say, we are all much happier.

rainy sunday

It is a rainy Sunay. It is quite beautiful considering the fact we have not had rain in forever. Church was good this morning. Tim spoke on Abraham. He always gives the whole story about people. The fact that Abraham is the father of our faith and yet he was an adulterer, lier and not to mention "pimped out his wife." In the midst of all those things - God still used him and blessed him. It does give us all hope to know that God uses us even when we are sinners.
I want to be used by God. That is a dangereous statement I know. Honestly my heart longs to be used, but in the back of my mind it is saying: except for the following ways.....
Lord help me to be open to whatever you have. Help me to have the faith of Abraham that I would sacrifice whatever you would want me to - No matter how much it costs.

Welcome!

Welcome to my new blogging site.
I am really going to try to make more effort to post.

This is me and my beautiful children - Julia and Harrison
Hope you find my life somewhat interesting to read.

soooo tired

I feel like I have huge boulders in my eyes right now. I am on night number four with little to basically no sleep. My precious baby boy had three sleepless nights where all he wanted to do was nurse. I think it may have been my fault by giving him some Xango juice, but that is besides the point! After taking him to the doctor yesterday to find out if there was something wrong with him...I decided to "re-train" him last night. He has been used to nursing to sleep - which there is nothing wrong with that, but it causes him to not be able to get himself back to sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night. SO - I was getting up several times a night and having to feed him to get him back in his bed. NO MORE!!! MAMA is tired!He was placed in his bed last night and had to cry. He cried for a long 35 minutes before giving up and going to sleep. It was so hard. Julia could not understand why I was just letting him cry. She kept telling me that Harrison was crying and in fact offered to go check on him for me. It was heart wrenching. I know it has to be done. He woke up one other time at 2:30 and went until about 3:30. Paul went in one time and I went in one time. I thought he was going to jump out of the bed to get to me. I never went through this with Julia. She was trained from day 1. I never nursed her to sleep. I don't think either way is right....I am just paying for it now. I hope tonight is not as traumatic for him - and me. I could also use an extended amount of sleep.

nothing important

I don't know why I don't post more often. It seems like I don't have anything important to say or I think of something and I don't have time. I have some down time at the moment so I thought I would ramble a bit.I am sitting in my office looking at my beautiful children's pictures. They are so cute. Harrison is getting huge. He is 10 1/2 months and won't sit still. He is a lovey-bug though. He loves to hug and try to kiss you, but it usually ends up in a big bite - 8 teeth. I have a scar on my leg to prove it. He also loves his momma. Especially at 4 am. He is on a new schedule that his clock goes off at 4 and it is time to get into bed with momma and eat. It is nice to have him snuggle in the mornings, but it isn't real great for me who needs the sleep.Julia is in a hard stage. 3 1/2. She is trying so hard to be independent, yet wants to be the baby. She challenges us daily. She has learned that words have power! A few weeks ago she was finished with her dinner and I wanted her to learn to ask to be excused. So I said "Julia when we are finished with our dinner we say 'thank you for the dinner, may I be excused please.'" Well, you would have thought I had asked her to eat a bowl of worms. She looked at me like I was crazy. I informed her that she would need to sit in her chair until she said it. Well, three and a half hours later when it is bedtime she still had not said it. I was so frustrated and feeling like I was a child abuser for making her sit in the chair for that long...but she knew what she was doing. I would ask her are you ready to say it...."no, not yet." AHHH. I could not understand why she wouldn't just say it and get it over. Can you say STRONG WILLED? So I put her in her bed and asked her if tomorrow she would say it. She said yes. I said why don't we practice it right now. She asked if she could practice at the table. So I put her back in her chair and she looked at me with this grin and said "thank you for the dinner, may I be excused please." It is in that moment that I either wanted to kiss her because she was so cute or beat her because she was so stubborn all night and knew exactly what she was doing. Well I guess it all paid off and I did the right thing. She now so politely after every meal with her cute little grin says her phrase. I tend to always relate these stories back to my own life with God. How many times does he ask me to do something and I sit in the same spot until I do it? Yes I am often the three year old child who is strong willed. I pray that I will get it, move on and grin the next time I have to do it again.

just thinkin

Do you ever have something that you do everyday that triggers a thought every time you do it? I have several things that trigger memories or thoughts everyday. It is so stupid and I try to say to myself, I am not going to think about this anymore, but yet I find myself thinking about it. OK - examples are...Putting on my eyeliner- I think about Brittany Hogg and her mother teaching us how to put eyeliner on in the 7th grade. Brushing my teeth - I think about my mother telling me when I was young that people divorced over fights on how to squeeze the toothpaste tube. In a public restroom (especially at work) I sit down and question myself on "did I lock the door?" Often times I get up and double check before I can go...or I try to talk myself out of it because I have never forgotten to lock the door. I have many other things, but these are the ones that happen every single day. It drives me crazy!

to blog or not to blog...

In the new age of blogging, I find myself struggling to know what to write. I am not a great writer. I don't spell well (in fact I am glad there is spell check), and I am not very eloquent in my writing. I am also a social worker who believes in sharing feelings in person and spending time with people. I believe in journaling for therapeutic reasons. Blogging does not fit into any of these things. I hesitate with writing what I "feel" because of the audience that will read it. I question myself and my motives in writing. Am I writing because it is fun and I want to or am I trying to get a point across to someone I know will read it? Blogging has opened up a new world of communication. I can now go to the computer and find out what my close friends and most importantly my husband is thinking and feeling. I no longer have to talk to them or ask, I can read what is going on in their lives. Is this medium a good thing or not? I have no idea. I struggle with what to write, but enjoy reading others - So, if anyone wants to give me some good topics to write about I am open to suggestions. I don't guarantee it will be very intelligent or insightful. I do better in person.

Xango Happy

We are finally over illnesses at our house - I hope! I am feeling 110% better than I was. Paul and I have begun drinking Xango Juice. I can tell a huge difference in my life. I have energy, I am happier than I have been in a long time and a just overall feel great. I have never experienced such results from a vitamin or other things. I just can't even explain how great I feel. I will also give some credit to God (ok all of it). I think since I physically feel better, I spiritually and emotionally feel better. God has done some amazing things for us recently. He has given us confirmation of decisions that we have made. Paul is trying to work on his own....thank Jesus he is out of TCC where he has been working for the past 6 years. I am trying to let go of bitter feelings I have toward his employer. I just don't understand how people who call themselves and their company "christian" can blatantly be cruel and do things that I don't feel line up with scripture and are just plain mean and stupid. Ok, do you get the point how I feel. Anyway I am so happy for Paul that he is free from that bondage. I still can't believe it. I am enjoying work for the first time. I feel good about me so I feel more confident in what I am doing. I gave a presentation today and felt like I did a good job and feel that people actually look at me like I know what I am doing. A lot of times I have no idea what other people are talking about, but I guess I fake it well and look cute so they think I am good at my job! Well, I just wanted to share a little of my life right now. Paul is probably the only one to read this...but oh well. It is sorta fun to put things into words.

so tired

It is day 6 of being sick and in bed. I am so tired. It has been a miserable week. I hope things start to look up soon. Well, that is all I have time for....I hear my name...mom, mom, mom, mom what are you doin mom? I love that I am a mom but I am tired of hearing my name whined this week.

you can run but you can't hide

I go about my day to day thinking no one really pays much attention to me. Besides of course those closest to me. This morning a woman who sits in the toll booth at the parking garage at work approached me. She said in her broken English...."you have two children don't you? a boy and a girl....I have been here since 1997, I watch and have seen you ." It really struck me. Here is someone who I see, give a polite nod and smile when our eyes catch, but have never really engaged in conversation with. She watches day in and day out and notices people and can keep up with their lives by just watching. She has obviously seen my figure stretch and grow through 2 pregnancies, notice when I am gone for 4 months of maternity leave and then once again I show up, with a slightly smaller figure. I don't know why this has made me think so much. I just find it interesting. I guess you never really know who is "watching" you and who notices your life without you even talking to them.

the greatest show on earth...

Ahh the circus...we took the kids to the circus last night for Julia's birthday. It was really fun. Julia seemed to have a great time. She kept saying...this is my birthday! She liked the clowns and the elephants and the lions but wanted to know where the bears were. I think she liked the popcorn and cotton candy the best! I loved on the way home when she asked me "mama where's my cake?" It's your birthday..you know you are supposed to have cake!!! She will have to wait until Saturday. Harrison enjoyed himself too. He looked around and it seemed like he was really paying attention to the show. A fun time was had by all...

My baby is three today.....time has flown by. Three years doesn't really seem that long yet I can't remember life without her. She is getting so big. I have noticed her hands are getting larger....they are big girl hands not chunky baby hands like Harrison's. She is saying the funniest things these days. I just marvel at her intelligence and the fact that she remembers everything. I wonder where she learns some of the stuff she says. She is now in a Parents day out program 2 days a week...school as we call it. She loves it. She is doing so well and it is nice to have some quiet time with Harrison. I love my kids and my husband. It is fun to look at life. I am so blessed.

long time no journal

OK, it has only been 5 months since my last journal....no big deal. A lot has happened since then. My precious baby boy was born. Harrison Michael is the new love in my life. He is 3 months old this week. I can't believe how fast time flies. It has been so great since he was born. It has been nice to be home with the kids and enjoy doing nothing. (nothing except: take care of kids: feed,diaper,wipe bottoms,play parade,feed,diaper,watch bob and larry,rock in chair,tea parties,feed again, cook, clean, laundry etc.etc...) My time is starting to get closer to when I have to go back to work. I have mixed feelings about it. I know it will be ok, but I am dreading leaving Harrison. I felt the same way before I left Julia. I think it is because I am used to being with him 24 hours a day attached to me at least every three hours, it will be hard to imagine him not being with me. I love that little guy so much. I never imagined loving another baby. But boy has he wrapped himself around my heart. Julia loves him to. She is such a good big sister. She has done so much better than I imagined. I can't wait to see them be able to play together. I guess that won't be for awhile. Julia and I tried to make angel ornaments today I don't know how well they will turn out. She enjoyed the glue and glitter anyway. We will probably find glitter for a long time. My life doesn't sound very interesting right now. I just thought I better journal something since it had been so long. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the the day to sit down and think...especially not to sit and write about what I think! I have a few minutes before Julia gets up from her nap. Well, hopefully it won't be another 5 months before I sit down again! HA... I will probably have time again once I go back to work. I am looking forward to having brain stimulation again. I feel like my brain has been on vacation. I actually had an hour conversation today about "important" adult things. I was talking to a friend about her church and their leadership team. It made me stir again about leadership. I wish there was the perfect church out there. If everyone would just think like me...it would be!!! JUST KIDDING. Well, me time is about over. I need to go wake Julia up so she can go to bed tonight and figure out what's for dinner...the never ending question.